{"id":74,"date":"2006-12-11T22:14:33","date_gmt":"2006-12-11T22:14:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/trentdouthat.com\/blog\/humorous-quotes\/"},"modified":"2020-02-01T00:18:43","modified_gmt":"2020-02-01T06:18:43","slug":"humorous-quotes","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/trentdouthat.com\/blog\/quotes-and-sigs\/humorous-quotes\/","title":{"rendered":"Humorous Quotes"},"content":{"rendered":"
When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch.\n\nI want to be the master of time and space, a living god,\n...and then I'd like to visit Europe.\n\nEarly bird gets the worm, but the second mouse\ngets the cheese\n\no-----------------------------------------o\n| \"Is Santa so jolly because he knows     |\n|\u00a0 where all the bad girls live?\"      \u00a0  |\n|  Imponderables                          |\no-----------------------------------------o\n\n\"You gave that damn monster another tree-fiddy? Damn it woman!\".\n\nThis message brought to you by: insert name here\n..and the voices in his head.\n\no-----------------------------------------o\n| \"You're a brave robot, son -- but when  |\n|\u00a0 I'm in command, _every_ mission's a \u00a0  |\n|\u00a0 suicide mission.\"                      |\n| -- Zap Branigan                         |\no-----------------------------------------o\n\no-----------------------------------------o\n| \"I'm reminded of all the Firestone      |\n|   commercials we saw when we were       |\n|   growing up, 'Firestone Tires - Where  |\n|\u00a0 The Rubber Meets The Road'. Obviously  |\n|  they met the road a little too much.\"  |\n|  -- Rep. Eliot Engel, D-NY              |\n|  On the Firestone\/Ford tire scandal     |\no-----------------------------------------o\n\n\"I started out with nothing,and\nI still have most of it left!\"\n\no-----------------------------------------o\n| \"All women are two drinks away from a   |\n|  girl-on-girl adventure.\"               |\n|\u00a0 -- Dennis Finch                        |\n|  \"Just Shoot Me\"                        |\no-----------------------------------------o\n\n\"Some [people] are always trying to ice skate uphill.\" -- Blade\n\n\"To be suspended from the legal profession is the\nmoral equivalent of being ostracized by child molesters.\"\n\nHowever good you are, someone is better.\n\nEverybody knows that the world is full of stupid people.\n\nOkay... I'll do the stupid things first, then you shy people follow. [Zappa]\n\nYou don't hear from me much. I wish certain others here could say the same.\n\nToo stupid to live.\nToo stubborn to die.\n\nKent: Tonight on ``Eye on Springfield'', we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years!\nMan: [hic!] Kill me! [hic] Kill me!\n\nUnderachievement: The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower.\n\n\"Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 3?\"\n\n\"Chaos, panic, & disorder- my work here is done!\"\n\nIndia is on pace to become the world's most populous nation within the next few years. What do you think about this rapidly approaching demographic milestone?\n\"As president of Schwinn, I couldn't be happier.\" Ray Muncie, Schwinn President\n\n\"No matter where you go, there you are...\" -- Buckaroo Banzai\n\nMistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others. http:\/\/www.despair.com\n\n\"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.\"\n\n\"There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.\"\n\n\"We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.\"\n\n\"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.\"\n\n\"A gross ignoramus- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.\"\n\nDon't sweat the petty things...and don't pet the sweaty things.\n\nCuriosity was framed; ignorance killed the cat. -- Author unknown\n\nPedant. N. \"One who overvalues his education.\"\n\nHe who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.\n\nI am a rich and happy man, and others often ask me how I have come to be so successful. I respond with the two 'golden rules' which I have obeyed to bring me wealth and happiness: 1) Never tell anybody everything you know\n\nEvil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.\n-- H.L. Mencken\n\nYouth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.\n-- Robert F. Kennedy\n\n\"How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?\"\n\"FIFTEEN!! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?\"\n\nNo sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.\n\nIf at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.\n\nIf you can read this, I've lost my trailer.\n\nHonk If You Love Rear End Collisions!\n\nThe Earth is Full, Go Home\n\nI Have The Body Of A God......Buddha.\n\nThis Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.\n\nSo Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.\n\nCleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.\n\nThe Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.\n\nEat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.\n\nIlliterate? Write For Help.\n\nHonk If Anything Falls Off.\n\nCover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.\n\nHe Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.\n\nI Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.\n\nI Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.\n\nBody by Nautilus; brain by Mattel\n\nBoldly going nowhere\n\nSome people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them\n\nI used to have a handle on life, but it broke.\n\nYou're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.\n\nBEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.\n\nBEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.\n\nThe more you complain, the longer God makes you live.\n\nI(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you've got.\n\nHard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.\n\nReality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.\n\nOut of my mind...Back in five minutes.\n\nHang up and drive.\n\nI said \"NO\" to drugs, but they didn't listen.\n\nYour kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.\n\nSmile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.\n\nI took an IQ test and the results were negative.\n\nWhere there's a will...I want to be in it.\n\nIt's lonely at the top, but you eat better.\n\nDon't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.\n\nConsciousness: That annoying time between naps.\n\nEver stop to think, and forget to start again?\n\nAlways remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.\n\nHONK If You Want To See My Finger\n\nKeep honking while I reload.\n\nWho were the testers for Preparations A through G?\n\nMadness takes its toll.\u00a0 Please have exact change.\n\nIf you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.\n\nIf you can read this I can hit my brakes and sue you.\n\nSave the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.\n\nAlcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.\n\nIf we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.\n\nI don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.\n\nIt's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.\n\n\"Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.\"\n\nIf That Phone Was Up Your Ass, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better\n\nThank You For Pot Smoking.\n\nSaw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!\n\nConstipated people don't give a shit.\n\nMy kid got your honor roll student pregnant.\n\no-----------------------------------------o\n| \"We've all heard that a million monkeys |\n|  banging on a million typewriters will  |\n|  eventually reproduce the entire works\u00a0 |\n|\u00a0 of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the   \u00a0 |\n|\u00a0 Internet, we know this is not true.\" \u00a0 |\n|\u00a0 -- Robert Wilensky                     |\no-----------------------------------------o<\/pre>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch. I want to be the master of time and space, a living god, …and then I’d like to visit Europe. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese o—————————————–o | “Is Santa so jolly […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":71,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-74","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/trentdouthat.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/74","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/trentdouthat.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/trentdouthat.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/trentdouthat.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/trentdouthat.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=74"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/trentdouthat.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/74\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":277,"href":"http:\/\/trentdouthat.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/74\/revisions\/277"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/trentdouthat.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/71"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/trentdouthat.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=74"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}