Humorous Quotes

When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch.

I want to be the master of time and space, a living god,
...and then I'd like to visit Europe.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese

| "Is Santa so jolly because he knows     |
|  where all the bad girls live?"         |
|  Imponderables                          |

"You gave that damn monster another tree-fiddy? Damn it woman!".

This message brought to you by: insert name here
..and the voices in his head.

| "You're a brave robot, son -- but when  |
|  I'm in command, _every_ mission's a    |
|  suicide mission."                      |
| -- Zap Branigan                         |

| "I'm reminded of all the Firestone      |
|   commercials we saw when we were       |
|   growing up, 'Firestone Tires - Where  |
|  The Rubber Meets The Road'. Obviously  |
|  they met the road a little too much."  |
|  -- Rep. Eliot Engel, D-NY              |
|  On the Firestone/Ford tire scandal     |

"I started out with nothing,and
I still have most of it left!"

| "All women are two drinks away from a   |
|  girl-on-girl adventure."               |
|  -- Dennis Finch                        |
|  "Just Shoot Me"                        |

"Some [people] are always trying to ice skate uphill." -- Blade

"To be suspended from the legal profession is the
moral equivalent of being ostracized by child molesters."

However good you are, someone is better.

Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people.

Okay... I'll do the stupid things first, then you shy people follow. [Zappa]

You don't hear from me much. I wish certain others here could say the same.

Too stupid to live.
Too stubborn to die.

Kent: Tonight on ``Eye on Springfield'', we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years!
Man: [hic!] Kill me! [hic] Kill me!

Underachievement: The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower.

"Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 3?"

"Chaos, panic, & disorder- my work here is done!"

India is on pace to become the world's most populous nation within the next few years. What do you think about this rapidly approaching demographic milestone?
"As president of Schwinn, I couldn't be happier." Ray Muncie, Schwinn President

"No matter where you go, there you are..." -- Buckaroo Banzai

Mistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."

"There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots."

"We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"A gross ignoramus- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

Don't sweat the petty things...and don't pet the sweaty things.

Curiosity was framed; ignorance killed the cat. -- Author unknown

Pedant. N. "One who overvalues his education."

He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.

I am a rich and happy man, and others often ask me how I have come to be so successful. I respond with the two 'golden rules' which I have obeyed to bring me wealth and happiness: 1) Never tell anybody everything you know

Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
-- H.L. Mencken

Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
-- Robert F. Kennedy

"How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Honk If You Love Rear End Collisions!

The Earth is Full, Go Home

I Have The Body Of A God......Buddha.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel

Boldly going nowhere

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Hang up and drive.

I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.

Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.

HONK If You Want To See My Finger

Keep honking while I reload.

Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?

Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

If you can read this I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.

"Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point."

If That Phone Was Up Your Ass, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better

Thank You For Pot Smoking.

Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

Constipated people don't give a shit.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

| "We've all heard that a million monkeys |
|  banging on a million typewriters will  |
|  eventually reproduce the entire works  |
|  of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the     |
|  Internet, we know this is not true."   |
|  -- Robert Wilensky                     |

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